15 Red Flags That You're A Douche

Beware of douchebaggery!

By wardnate77

Published 9 years ago in Funny

Beware of douchebaggery!

1
"Orange is the New Black" is gaining popularity, and we should all be worried. Sometime in the mid 2000's white girls started doing this for some reason that escapes me. You look ridiculous

3
Saying "Come at me, bro" means you are at least a quarter douche. Popularized by Ronnie from the "Jersey Shore," this phrase is typically used to impress women and appear hard. (Flexing nuts is the holiest currency of the douchebag.)
4
I was waiting in line at Chipotle the other day and the burrito artist behind the counter called everyone boss. When it was my turn he said, "What can I get you, boss?"

5
The flatbill is popular among wannabe gangsters who live with their moms and listen to nu metal and hyphy. I'm not sure when it became fashionable, but I think it has something to do with the decline of Western civilization. Fred Durst is a big fan of the flatbill, and it is firmly believed that he started this asinine trend
6
We get it. You live with reckless abandon and you don't give a care. Super hardcore
7
Telling people you're going to be a millionaire usually stems from the fact that you've never actually been challenged in life. It's also a law of nature that those who wear tribal tats and adorn their rooms with "Entourage" posters don't make a lot of money. It's unearned confidence that will surely be shattered when you begin working at your father's firm under the title of "Assistant Receptionist Trainee."

8
Compounded by the fact that you talk loudly on it while boarding a plane.
9
I've been to bars to watch MMA fights. After the event, there are usually gaggles of dudes in Tapout shirts visibly puffing out their chests and walking tall like they're the ones that just beat the shit out of someone. You're not Chael Sonnen. You're just an asshole.
10
It's a staple of the bro to wear a crucifix to give off some semblance of spirituality. Especially since he knows in reality there is an extreme void of it. There is nothing Christlike about bringing home a clap-riddled bimbo and telling her condoms aren't your thing because they "feel weird."

11
"Oh, my bad girl. I forgot to leave those in my wallet. Regular condoms don't fit me because I inject whey protein straight into my penis vein."
12
First off, there is nothing bad about liking bourbon. The issue is ordering one and taking a sip and pretending you like it. A douchebag will always cringe like he just sucked a lemon and say, "God that's good." You're not Ray Liotta. Order a Natty and be yourself.
13
Your shirt may also say "Haters Make Me Famous" or "Believe The Hype."

14
if you're desperate enough to send a dick pic to someone you haven't met in person - taking 20 minutes to perfect the cinematography in the process - you're likely an Affiction-wearing gym-grunting bag of douche.
15
Other favorites of the douche: "Is this the real Caesar's Palace?" "I get older and they stay the same age."