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Tall Clubs International Scholarship. This scholarship gives $1,000 to college freshmen women who are at least 5’10” and men who are 6’2”. I don’t think this is fair because tall people are already basically winning at life. Why isn’t there a scholarship for women who are 5’6” and wear a size 8 shoe and medium helmet? I AM SO AVERAGE IT HURTS.

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Horror Writers Association Scholarship. You can get $2,500 if you’re a high school freshman through grad student who can submit four samples of horror writing and demonstrate financial need. So if your poor upbringing has given you lots of fodder for tales of terror, this scholarship is for you.

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Rolex Scholarship. This scholarship supplies $25,000 (TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS) for grad students who haven’t chosen a clearly defined career path, are certified as a rescue diver or equivalent, have done at least 25 dives in the last two years, and want to learn how to find sunken ships and treasure. Uhhh, if you get this scholarship I think you’re cool and I hate you.

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American Board of Funeral Service Education National Scholarship. If you like dead people, this scholarship may be for you. College sophomores through seniors who are studying the mortuary arts might get $2,500 to work towards a future of hanging out with corpses every day.

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David Letterman Scholarship. The David Letterman Scholarship is for telecommunication students at Ball State who are average students with creative minds. So if you get straight C’s but can think outside the box, Dave himself might give you $10,000. If you get straight As, sorry you’re such a sucker.

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Asparagus Club Scholarship. Do you love asparagus so much you want to devote your life to it? Well okay ... This scholarship offers $1,500 to college juniors through graduate students who want to work in asparagus.

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Parapsychological Association Research Endowment. Think ghosts are stupid? Then you might get $5,000! This scholarship is for college freshmen through grad students who are researching parapsychological phenomena and looking to contribute to the scientific understanding of why the credulous believe in “paranormal” phenomena.

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National Potato Council Scholarship. Grad students who want to enhance the potato industry might get some skrilla from the National Potato Council. If right now you’re like, “oh my god, my lifelong dream is to enhance the potato industry” then you should definitely apply ASAP.

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CKSF Scholarship Competition. This scholarship offers $2,500 for high school freshmen through grad students who have a lot of knowledge about a broad array of subjects. If you’re a jack of all trades and a master of none, you might have a hard time picking a major but you’ll have an easy time getting this scholarship. If you’d kill it on Jeopardy, apply now.

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Southeastern Turfgrass Conference Scholarship. There is a scholarship only for college sophomores who are majoring in turf management. I didn’t know that was a major until right now, probably because I have never looked at turf and thought “hot d*mn I’d like to manage that turf.”

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Zolp Scholarship. This scholarship is for college freshmen through seniors who are going to Loyola University in Chicago, are Catholic, and have a legal last name of Zolp. I am assuming you know already if this applies to you.

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Duck Tape “Stuck at Prom” Scholarship. If you’re at least 14 and going to prom, you can get $10,000 if you and your date make all of your clothes and accessories out of duct tape. Then you also get the immortal honor of being the couple that wore duct tape to prom!

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Union Internationale de la Marionnette USA Scholarship. If you’re a college freshman through grad student and a second-level puppeteer (if you don’t know what this means, I’m guessing you aren’t one), you can get a thousand bucks to study with a puppetry professional outside of North America. I guess French puppeteers feel the need to teach American puppet posers how it’s really done.

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Alice McArver Ratchford Scholarship for What You Don’t Do. If you’re a female student at UNC Greensboro and you live on campus, have never been married, don’t have a car, and received no other scholarships, you might get some money to keep on not being a married off-campus driver.

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Twin/Triplet Dorm Room Waiver. You can get free room and board if you’re a twin or triplet and you’re all attending Northeastern Oklahoma A&M. You don’t all have to room together, which is weird because don’t twins and triplets want to do everything together forever and ever for the rest of their lives?!

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