The Worst, Dumbest Secrets You’ll Never Tell Your Spouse

Life is best when spent with those we love.

Published 1 year ago in Funny

Life is best when spent with those we love. With these people we can be ourselves, we can speak the truth, and sometimes, if we need to, protect others from uncomfortable truths.

We've all done something stupid and sometimes that stupid thing might hurt our significant other.

People over at r/AskReddit have confessed some pretty juicy secrets that they'll never let their lovers know.

After so many years, they'll still be taking these secrets to the grave.

1
When he’s sleeping next to me and snoring I’ll stick a finger in his open mouth like I did just a minute ago. u/Centennial3489

2
Her mother was interfering in our marriage constantly. I had an appointment with a lawyer to talk over options for divorce because I couldn't stand it anymore. Then her mother died suddenly. Heart attack. After the funeral, things got better...and here we are now married for 3 decades. She doesn't need to know. u/toTheNewLife

3
That I left the Nintendo Switch you gifted me on a bus. The Switch that you see me using is a replacement that I bought on ebay. u/TurtleGlobe
4
That emotionally and sexually charged night we spent sharing a bed, drinking, and talking all night? I didn't keep getting up to pee. I kept getting up to have intense diarrhea. u/retromortem

5
One time I left my younger daughter (middle child) in a hot car and forgot she was there. My wife and my oldest daughter had gotten out and went into a theater where the oldest daughter had her dance recital. I parked the car about 100 feet away and for some reason, maybe because my wife and daughter got out, my stupid brain just decided to go into kid-free mode. To say I panicked 10 minutes later when I remembered would be an understatement. I was mid conversation with someone and when I remembered her I just turned and ran. No explanation. I sprinted to the car, but knowing it was only 10 minutes I knew it would be ok. There she was. A little sweaty, but just sitting there and looking around. Smiled when she saw me. This memory haunts me. I frequently lose sleep or have to pull my mind off it. The thought of what would have happened and how easy it was to forget her will never leave me. Always double check for your kids folks. Even if you think you’re good or have a great memory. u/DougTheBugg
6
That sometimes I stay 10-15 mins in the car before coming up the house. Not ashamed of it or something but I like some me time to be private and not judged. u/Gustav-14
7
Every pay check I take out $25-$30 in small bills and slip some bills into her pockets while I’m folding laundry. Money is tight, and it’s the source of a lot of anxiety for her, so to see how excite/relieved she gets when she finds it makes me happy. u/kingmagog

8
They didn't forget to buy them at the grocery store. I, in fact, at 2 am. Ate the entire package of oreos. u/Cassandra_Canmore
9
That I pooped in the ocean while snorkeling off of Hawaii. And that was the reason for all the beautiful fish swarming around us all of a sudden (bon appetit dear fish!) Yes, indeed, it was magical. u/Grokker999
10
Remember when we were engaged and visited your mom in the hospital, and she let a fart so rank that your eyes watered and we still talk about it 20 years later? That was me. u/Sarah-JessicaSnarker

11
That one time when went camping for 3 nights I left the garden hose on at home full blast and we got a $700 water bill. u/poppinwheelies
12
That your mum, contrary to what I’ve said before, is truly a boring idiot. u/Misericorde428
13
He thinks a mutual friend decided to play matchmaker, which is true, but not the full picture. A friend of mine sent screenshots of my SOs dating app profile saying “I’ve just found your future husband” some light googling led me to discover we shared a mutual friend, I spoke to him and he played matchmaker. u/caca_milis

14
How much I’ve spent setting up this saltwater fish tank, she called me crazy for spending 1000 bucks on lights. u/Spiritual-Extent-771
15
That I haven’t been truly happy since we got married. It’s like something flipped a switch in her head after that day and she thinks she can control every bit of our lives down to the minute. u/Belfont
16
She's only my girlfriend, but I gaslight her to feel better about herself since she was in a very abusive and manipulative relationship for 9 years before we got together. If we need to clean up her apartment, bathrooms kitchen, car, etc. I usually wind up doing most of the work but when she thanks me for all the work I did I'll respond with something like "what are you talking about, you did almost everything. I was just kind of there." Thay way she feels like she took care of herself and gains more confidence in her abilities. Whether it's wrong or not, it seems to be working. u/MossiestSloth

17
I actually feel so much worse (mental illness) sometimes than I let on. I am medicated and see a therapist, but it isn't always enough. He works so hard and has so much on his plate. I don't want him to feel bad because often there's nothing he can do about it. u/phoxphorux
18
That I accidentally found my engagement ring before he proposed so I knew he was going to and what the ring looked like. u/AmdRN19
19
I found your pile of used contact lenses under the dresser next to the bed. u/Phantapant